As everyone should know by now I suffer from anxiety and depression disorder, when people hear this it's perceived in many ways, one way being, well just stop feeling that way, everyone has problems. Another way being, but you don't look like you have any disorders. And the most common in my opinion is, oh so your sad and scared all the time. While that is true, it comes in many different forms. I am currently struggling with the hardest time in my life and will gladly share what it looks like for me on my hardest days to my regular days.
People hear the words anxiety and depression and assume it's just sadness and fear but it goes so much deeper than that. Most of the time I am able to look "normal" but people don't realize that my anxiety has my thoughts racing throughout the days coming up with a million different scenarios of what could go wrong sometimes or that it makes me irritable and impatient, they don't realize that I have a dark cloud of depression telling me to give up and that I am not enough. They don't realize that I wear a smile on my face and make so many jokes to conceal my inner pain and seem like I am happy even when I'm not. They don't realize that there are triggers that can happen that can flip a switch in the mind and make me go from happy to depressed or panicked in a matter of seconds. They don't realize that there a vivid dreams that can warp the way the next day looks or feels for me.
They don't realize that some nights I have to fight a full on battle with armor against myself just to see the next day.
Some days, I can't shower, I know it's gross but showering takes too much energy that I don't have because I'm focused on just surviving that day. Some days, I can't eat, my appetite will disappear for days and I have to force myself just to eat crackers. Some days, I can't get out of bed, the thought of getting up and facing the world is just too much which will lead into my anxiety and cause a panic attack. Some days just being able to say I drank water today is an accomplishment.
Most days, I feel nauseous all the time, like I am anticipating something going wrong. Most days, I feel guilty because I feel like I should be more productive in my life or be further than what I am at this moment. Most days, being an adult feels like a non stop chore that I can never complete. Most days I can't do the things that use to make me happy because I feel so drained from putting on a mask the entire day. Most days, I am in survival mode.
I know most of these days people can see past the mask I put up because I've been taking it off more often than not but, people don't see all the sides that come with having anxiety and depression. Writing is my passion however, I struggle with doing it when I am in my dark headspace, which has been for a while now.
What people do see is a happy, 26 year old, college woman with a smile on her face however, lately that smile is fake and I struggle with feeling happiness. I try my best everyday and I fight, mostly not for me but for my loved ones. I know these feelings will always come and go for my whole life because unfortunately that is how my brain is set up but I also know that without darkness there is no light.
