Valid.

 I don't think the term "burn out" justifies what it feels like when life just gets too overwhelming for me or others who suffer with mental disorders. It can be truly exhausting and draining. I was told by a therapist years ago that routines are what help best when it comes to anxiety however, routines can be depressions enemy. 

Routines help me feel calm and safe but they also can make me feel like it's groundhogs day everyday. Monday, go to work all day, Tuesday, go to school all day, Wednesday, try and clean up the house and get the weeks chores in order, Thursday, go to school again all day then get groceries, Friday and Saturday work all day, then finally Sunday completely pass out from being so drained from the week only to repeat it the very next day. And I know that my life seems simple and shouldn't be exhausting. 

It is though. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life, my job, and where I am but, living in a loop makes me want to go insane some days and causes my depression to come forward full force. I just end up wanting to run away for a bit. 

I hate when people constantly ask me, "well what's wrong?" because it's not something I can really explain. Life just drains me. I don't mean to come off sad or lazy, I'm just tired and this kind of tired isn't going to go away by sleeping. 

I know I'm not alone when it comes to these feelings because I know several people that suffer from depression that feel the same way. Why is there no solution? Why must we just conform and have to go go go until we can't anymore which makes us feel like failures? 

I think one way to help is for people who don't suffer, especially those that have close loved ones who suffer to educate themselves more on mental health. End the stigma that if you're not constantly making moves you're lazy or failure. That's not true. We're just all built differently. Some people need to rest more in order to feel themselves and be able to accomplish things, others need to be constantly going to feel themselves and be able to accomplish things. Some people are in-between the two. 

All are real. All are correct. All are valid.     

I'm tired of feeling like it's not okay to feel these things and that something is wrong with me. 

The feelings are valid. You are who you're supposed to be.  

"It's always darkest before the dawn"

 As everyone should know by now I suffer from anxiety and depression disorder, when people hear this it's perceived in many ways, one way being, well just stop feeling that way, everyone has problems. Another way being, but you don't look like you have any disorders. And the most common in my opinion is, oh so your sad and scared all the time. While that is true, it comes in many different forms. I am currently struggling with the hardest time in my life and will gladly share what it looks like for me on my hardest days to my regular days. 

 People hear the words anxiety and depression and assume it's just sadness and fear but it goes so much deeper than that. Most of the time I am able to look "normal" but people don't realize that my anxiety has my thoughts racing throughout the days coming up with a million different scenarios of what could go wrong sometimes or that it makes me irritable and impatient, they don't realize that I have a dark cloud of depression telling me to give up and that I am not enough. They don't realize that I wear a smile on my face and make so many jokes to conceal my inner pain and seem like I am happy even when I'm not.  They don't realize that there are triggers that can happen that can flip a switch in the mind and make me go from happy to depressed or panicked in a matter of seconds. They don't realize that there a vivid dreams that can warp the way the next day looks or feels for me.

 They don't realize that some nights I have to fight a full on battle with armor against myself just to see the next day.

Some days, I can't shower, I know it's gross but showering takes too much energy that I don't have because I'm focused on just surviving that day. Some days, I can't eat, my appetite will disappear for days and I have to force myself just to eat crackers. Some days, I can't get out of bed, the thought of getting up and facing the world is just too much which will lead into my anxiety and cause a panic attack. Some days just being able to say I drank water today is an accomplishment.  

Most days, I feel nauseous all the time, like I am anticipating something going wrong. Most days, I feel guilty because I feel like I should be more productive in my life or be further than what I am at this moment. Most days, being an adult feels like a non stop chore that I can never complete. Most days I can't do the things that use to make me happy because I feel so drained from putting on a mask the entire day. Most days, I am in survival mode. 

I know most of these days people can see past the mask I put up because I've been taking it off more often than not but, people don't see all the sides that come with having anxiety and depression. Writing is my passion however, I struggle with doing it when I am in my dark headspace, which has been for a while now. 

What people do see is a happy, 26 year old, college woman with a smile on her face however, lately that smile is fake and I struggle with feeling happiness. I try my best everyday and I fight, mostly not for me but for my loved ones. I know these feelings will always come and go for my whole life because unfortunately that is how my brain is set up but I also know that without darkness there is no light.

"When I needed a hand I found your paw"

 I have always felt a connection with animals more than people, especially dogs. I have loved dogs since I was a child but I never really understood how connected someone truly could get until I got my little guardian angel. I have told the surface of my story but, right before my anxiety and depression started, we got a dog. 

Eight years ago my mom wanted a German Shepherd so we found a breeder and went to see the puppies. Mom wanted a girl and we let her pick us. I picked out a name and we said we will call out her name and whoever comes, that is our dog. I went to the bathroom while my mom did this because she was supposed to be my moms. When I came out and sat on the ground and called her name, she came running and laid under my legs, something she still does to this day. We brought her home and my dad didn't want to potty train her throughout the night so she stayed with me. I didn't know that she would not only become my dog daughter but literally save my life. 

We started bonding right away as I started training her and she quickly became attached to my hip then, all my mental illnesses started acting up and I realized she was brought to me to help me. 

I had panic attacks and depressive spells that would have me shaking and crying and she would come to me and make me lay on her, anyone who knows her knows she doesn't like cuddling but, she felt my emotions with me and made sure I was okay and refused to leave my side.

 I noticed how smart she was when I could tell her to find Nana for me when I was too distraught to find her myself. I knew she was there for me but one night I felt so in pain, so alone, and I just wanted everything to stop. I picked up a bottle and dumped the pills in my hand, sat on the floor ready to end it all. She was not having it. She laid on top of me, licked away my tears and wouldn't let me move until I calmed down and put the pills away. She saved my life that night and I knew then that no matter how dark my world gets, whenever I feel alone, she's there for me. 

I registered her soon after as an emotion support animal and though my days aren't quite like they used to be, I still have my moments and she still steps in to help me. 

I won't lie and say that was the last time I tried but then I remember what stopped me the first time and I know she will get me through it again.

My Zara girl, my princess, my guardian angel, momma loves you so much and I am forever grateful for you.

Struggling but progressing

Growing up there’s always this path expected for you not only by your parents but by you and even your peers. You go to school, graduate, go to college for 4 years and have your degree by 22. Sometimes those paths don’t happen and sometimes those paths take longer for some than others. 

I have never been one to get embarrassed easily, I like to think I have a good sense of humor so I only have a hand full of times in my entire life where I have been embarrassed. That being said I will admit, I get very embarrassed and ashamed when talking about being in school. I know fully well I shouldn’t but I do. 

Most people I grew up with and are my age have had there degrees for some time now, some now working on their masters. Hell, even people younger than me have their degree already so it’s hard being proud of my progress in life and also being embarrassed of my lack of progress with school. 

I am 25 years old with no degree yet. I’ve been in community college since 2014 and just now transferred to a University for my bachelor degree. No I did not receive an associate degree because my community college didn’t offer much for the degree and career I want. 

Life knocked me on my butt when I was just a kid and it took me years to build myself back up to be able to stand where I am today. 

My senior year of high school I started having major panic attacks that crippled me and over time I no longer could leave my house. I didn’t go anywhere for 10 months and those last two months that would make it a year are a blur because I was so drugged up on anxiety medicine and antidepressants that I couldn’t function or stay awake for longer than an hour at a time. 

Just when I thought I had my anxiety under control and was no longer having frequent panic attacks, the depression sweeps in. This pattern continued for a few years and unfortunately a lot of my schooling got interrupted or effected by it. 

I went a couple of years only being able to do school in the fall because my depression would worsen in the spring and I would have to drop out. This made for a very long process of just being able to transfer. I lost a lot of friends those first few years but I also gained quite a few that had similar problems and were so supportive. 

I’ve been going to school every year for 6 years but semester wise more like 3 years and just now find enjoyment and excitement because I’m finally where I want to be after 6 years of fighting. I can also do both semesters of school now no problem. 

Yes, I get embarrassed saying I’m 25 and technically a freshman at university getting my bachelors degree but then I remember that this is my life, my journey, my story that I’m writing not anyone else’s. I cannot compare my journey to someone else because it will always be different. Progress is progress no matter how fast or how slow it takes you to get there. Everyone is different and unique therefore everyone’s story is different and unique. And that I will never be embarrassed for. 

Eight Years ;

 Mental health is important and serious, It needs to be normalized and not such a taboo topic for people to discuss. It should never make people uncomfortable.

For those who are proud of themselves and unashamed that they have some kind of mental illness, you're absolutely incredible.

For those that don't understand, it's okay but please educate yourselves so you can help those around you.

Mental illness does not make people weak, just like having an injury doesn't make people weak. It makes people human.

Understand that, everyone is different and everyone copes with their own mental illness differently. Not right or wrong just different. For me personally, joking has always been my go to defense mechanism. Throughout my mental disorders, discomforts, or injuries, I always try to make light of the situation so I don't break down. I know several people who have similar coping mechanisms because at the end of day we are all human and it's okay not to be okay. 

Yes, I have mental disorders and I don't talk about it as much as I should and that is because unfortunately we live in a world of people who don't understand and are uneducated with the mental health world. This will cause situations that are highly uncomfortable such as, I feel my anxiety start acting up out of nowhere and say I need to sit and focus on my breathing because that will help ground me, people have responded by saying things like "oh just calm down" or "what do you mean? just breathe" and I understand that they don't understand but it's not very helpful especially in that moment. 

Another thing people even in my own family don't understand is yes, I know I come off as lazy however, I am not actively trying to be lazy. I simply have depression which drains my energy more than the average person. Yes, some days are better, I will have a ton of energy and can be very productive but that is not the case every day. I am not being lazy, I am simply exhausted from life and need to recharge more often than normal. 

I have had it on my heart for some time to share my story and it is definitely a dozy but, only to those that are interested. My story is something I am damn proud of because it helped me become the person I am today.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic disorder as well as major depressive disorder eight years ago but most likely had it my entire life. 

I am unapologetic and unashamed. This is who I am. 

Strength and Happiness

Strength is always something I thought you had to be either born with or born without or like a personality thing either you had it or you didn't but I have learned over these last few years through my disorders that strength is something you choose. Strength is something thrust upon you because it's the only thing you have left. I have learned that everyone has their own battles that make them stronger each and everyday. Happiness is the same way and you've got to have a hell of a lot of strength to be truly happy but you've got to choose happiness. Sure it's a lot easier to be sad and negative because that takes no effort but choosing happiness is not only better, it's badass. The happiest people I know are the ones who have fought everyday for their life and had the strength to overcome and choose happiness.
Happiness and strength are the hardest things I have ever had to do but at the end of the day I'm glad I chose them because they make me feel powerful and I can absolutely kick ass because of it.